Dmitri slammed a photograph on the counter. It showed a man with a scarred face and dead eyes. “This is Boris. You humiliated him in the underground cat-fighting league last year. You did not fight his cat. You gave his cat a… a bob cut.”

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The three men stumbled out the door, leaving a trail of hair clippings and shattered pride.

Because you don’t mess with the Zohan. Not unless you want to leave with fabulous hair and a broken spirit.

The second goon lunged with the taser drill. Zohan caught his wrist, whispered “ no static ,” and used the man’s own momentum to whirl him into a barber chair. In three seconds flat, the man’s wild, unkempt beard was sculpted into a perfect Van Dyke. “Better,” Zohan said. “Now you look like a poet. A violent, confused poet.”

Zohan paused. He remembered. The cat, a vicious Maine Coon named General Fluffenstein, had terrorized three boroughs. Zohan had not fought it. He had simply conditioned it. Then, with a whisper of “ silky smooth ,” he’d transformed its battle-scarred mane into a feathered layers situation. The cat had immediately retired from violence to pursue a career as an Instagram influencer. Boris had lost everything.

“You are the one they call… Zohan?” Dmitri asked, his accent somewhere between Siberian frost and Jersey asphalt.